


case open, case shut (but you could pay to close it like a casket) (baby boy can't lift his headache head) (isn't it tragic?)

by earlgreytea68



Category: Fall Out Boy, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, but also i couldn't really imagine them with a slash, but some bot account suggested this as an otp on twitter and I was like, not really - Freeform, patrick stump / sherlock holmes, self-insert lawyer, so i did it like this, that's a lot of my interests in one place, this is very silly and pointless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 20:44:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21416410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlgreytea68/pseuds/earlgreytea68
Summary: This is utter crack. There's a lawyer, and puppets, and Sherlock Holmes. Idk.
Relationships: Patrick Stump/Pete Wentz
Comments: 40
Kudos: 96





	case open, case shut (but you could pay to close it like a casket) (baby boy can't lift his headache head) (isn't it tragic?)

**Author's Note:**

> I was dared to write a fic with a self-insert lawyer giving FOB legal advice. 
> 
> And then I saw "Patrick Stump / Sherlock Holmes" suggested as an OTP on one of those AO3 tag Twitter accounts. 
> 
> So I attempted some kind of combination of the two. 
> 
> It's completely ridiculous.

It would be so nice if clients ever listened to her, thought Seraphine Magenta Chloe Sheen, as she found herself dealing with the latest complaint served. Puppets. Motherfucking puppets. 

Seraphine did not call Pete, because Patrick was infinitely easier to deal with. 

Patrick didn’t answer his phone, though, because Patrick was terrible at answering his phone. He preferred to live like a hermit instead of someone in the twenty-first century. Patrick never picked up his phone to make up for Pete never putting down his phone. As always, when you put them together you got something that made a lot more sense than when they were apart. 

Seraphine texted Pete to ask him to have Patrick call her. 

Instead Pete called her. 

Seraphine sighed.  _ Clients _ . “Hello?” she said, hoping her world-weariness was not showing in her voice. She  needed to buy a lottery ticket to see if she could get out of being a lawyer. 

“I haven’t talked to Patrick in  _ days _ ,” Pete  whined. “What do you think he could be doing?” 

Seraphine sighed again. “I don’t know, Pete.” 

“I would think he was dead except he keeps returning my texts, but they’re, like one-word replies. I sent him a whole thing about  how Roman chariots dictated the size of the space shuttle  solid rocket boosters and he responded with ‘cool.’  _ Cool _ !” shrieks Pete. 

“I mean,” said Seraphine. “I guess that’s cool?” 

“Do you think he’s been kidnapped? He might have been kidnapped. Should we call the police?” 

“No. He’s fine.” 

“Have  _ you _ talked to him?” 

No, but Patrick was probably just taking a Pete break, everyone deserved one.  “ Pete, you know those puppets?” 

“Puppets?” Pete echoed blankly. He sounded like his mind was already on something else. 

“Yeah, the llama things.” 

“Oh,” said Pete. “Frosty and Royal Tea.” 

“Huh?” said Seraphine. 

“Those are their names. Frosty and Royal Tea.” 

“…Okay,” said Seraphine. “Did you get permission to use the puppets?” 

“Permission from who?” asked Pete. 

“Never mind,” said Seraphine . 

“Hey, let me know if you hear from Patrick, right?” said Pete. 

“Yeah, sure thing,” said Seraphine. Then Seraphine texted Patrick.  _ When you get this, we need to talk about the puppets _ . 

Seraphine expected a text back. Seraphine didn’t expect to run into Patrick Stump waiting for her outside the  subway station. He looked self-conscious about it,  his eyes flitting around nervously. 

“Patrick,” said Seraphine, surprised. “Are you okay?” She thought of Pete’s wild suspicions, and wondered if they might be true. Only Pete would guess something so outrageous and have it turn out to be correct. “Have you been kidnapped?” she whispered. “Blink once if you ’ve been kidnapped. Fuck, did you just blink? Okay, wait, blink  _ twice _ if you meant to blink once the first time.” 

“I haven’t been kidnapped,” Patrick  said . 

“Then what are you doing here?” Seraphine asked. “Stalking me outside the subway station ? ” 

“He wishes to know about the puppets,” inserted a smooth , British voice. A jaguar inside of a cello. 

Seraphine looked at the man who appeared. Much taller than Patrick, with a head of tumbled dark curls and a really beautiful coat. “Hello?” Seraphine said in confusion. 

“The puppets,” the man clipped out. “What did your text mean?” 

“He thinks it’s a clue,” Patrick explained reluctantly. 

“A clue?” Seraphine repeated. “A clue to what?” 

“Mr. Stump has engaged my services,” said the British man briskly. 

“And you are…” Seraphine looked from the man to Patrick and hissed, “Tell me he’s not an escort, I don’t feel like cleaning that up.” 

Patrick looked appalled. “He’s not an escort, he’s a  _ detective _ !” 

“A  _ consulting _ detective,” the British man said. 

“He’s…consulting and detecting,” Patrick faltered. 

“Consulting and detecting what?” asked Seraphine. 

“That depends on what you have to say about the puppets,” said the British man. 

“The puppets have nothing to do with this, please can we just  _ go _ ?” Patrick pleaded. 

“ You engaged me to solve your pedestrian little puzzle, and solve it I will. The puppets, if you please, as quickly as possible, I’m getting bored.” 

He did look bored. 

Seraphine  said to Patrick, “What puzzle?” 

Patrick looked as uncomfortable as it was possible to look without actually melting into the sidewalk. “I’ve  been getting these, like , packages.” 

“Packages?” said Seraphine. 

“But, like, really  _ personal _ packages. They have personal things in them. And it’s not from a fan. They come to my personal address .” 

“A fan could have gotten your personal address,” Seraphine said, concerned. 

“It’s not a fan,”  said the British man. “They’re of an extremely personal nature.” 

“Fans can sometimes—” Seraphine began. 

“ _ Intimate _ ,” the British man said. 

“Yeah, fans can send intimate things—”

“No, he means they know me intimately,” Patrick explained reluctantly. “Like, they’re…they’re things I would have wanted. You wouldn’t know to send these things to me unless you knew  _ me _ . So if it’s a fan, it’s, like, a  _ serious _ stalker, it’s—”

“Hang on,” said Seraphine.  “You’re getting really lovely gifts sent to you? That’s why you called this guy?” 

Patrick paused, considering. “Well, when you put it  _ that _ way—”

“They’re from  _ Pete _ , you idiot,” said Seraphine.  “Pete is sending you gifts.” 

“How do you know that?” asked Patrick, looking shocked. 

“Because he’s in love with you!” 

Patrick blinked a lot, it was a good thing Seraphine wasn’t still trying to do a blinking code with him. “How do you know  _ that _ ?” 

“Because I had to spend forty minutes on the phone with him a few weeks ago doing therapy about how in love with you he was and whether I thought it was a good idea if he should start sending you secret love gifts. I want you to know: I billed him the entire time, it was a very expensive phone call.” 

Patrick stared at her, mouth gaping open. 

The British man exclaimed, “Are you  _ joking _ ? This whole time there has been no mystery at all !” 

“So you didn’t solve the mystery,” said another British man, sounding amused. Seraphine hadn’t noticed him until just this moment: blond, shorter, more unassuming than the dramatic British one. 

“I didn’t solve the mystery because there wasn’t a mystery to solve,” the dark-haired British man spat out. 

“Uh-huh,” said the blond, sounding even more amused. 

“We’re going now,” the dark-haired man spat out furiously, and stalked away. 

The blond gave her a little nod and a friendly smile and then followed him. 

Seraphine turned to Patrick. “Who was that?” 

Patrick said breathlessly, “When’s the last time you spoke to Pete?” 

“Today,” Seraphine said. “He thought you’d been kidnapped. He texted you something about the Roman empire and the space shuttle and you said it was cool.” 

“It  _ was _ cool.” 

“That wasn’t enough of a reaction for Pete Wentz.” 

“I feel like I should really call Pete,” said Patrick, still sounding thunderstruck. 

“Yeah, I agree,” said Seraphine. “Also, like, at some point we’ve got to talk about the puppets.” 

“Frosty and Royal Tea?” said Patrick. 

“Okay,” said Seraphine. “Fine. Yes. Frosty and Royal Tea.” 

“I’m going to call Pete first,” Patrick decided. 

“I’m going to bill you for every second of this conversation,” Seraphine told him. 

(And then later she won the lottery and got to quit her job.)


End file.
